Internal moonshine of a restless mind

This dream is from 4 April.

I was in a house with E. I guess in the dream it was our house, but actually it was the old house of my aunt and uncle, at least partly. E had been in the bathroom upstairs, but now we were both downstairs doing something. I then decided to go upstairs. The following is hard to explain.

I knew that E was also supposed to be upstairs (I think because she had never actually gone downstairs). But I also knew that she was definitely downstairs. This was a paradox that was presented or created somehow – almost like “reality” (or the dream, but this was not a lucid dream) was trying to fool me – but I did not think those thoughts explicitly in the dream. Still, I wanted to challenge this concept of E being upstairs. I knew that she would seem to still be there, in the bathroom, but I also knew that it couldn’t possibly be her, since I knew for a fact that she was downstairs.

I opened the door to the bathroom. There she was. But instead of acting naturally, she just stood there staring straight ahead (or at me) with one hand covering her mouth. This creeped me out. I was sure it was not really her, so I wanted to tear down this illusion, this trick, this simulacrum of E. I think the first thing I did was turn around her somehow, but whatever I did, she remained standing there the exact same way, hand covering her mouth. I don’t remember the details, but somehow I tore apart or deconstructed her, until in the end all I was left holding was her hair attached to a dark, flowing cape or perhaps shadow. This did not feel like any kind of success; it actually terrified me.

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Drowning without a license

On 2 April I had another intense dream that woke me up.

I was driving a car, although I don’t know how to drive (also true in real life). It was very nerve-wracking, especially navigating between the other cars – although looking back, the cars were not going very fast. At some point the view shifted: Now I was observing this car from afar, even though I was still the one sitting in the driver’s seat. I was driving onto a side road from some bigger area or road, and I had done this before. But now I was observing it from a distance. I was commenting on this with some other people also observing. I was driving the car further away from my viewpoint, and this made it very difficult to see and manouver the car between the other cards.

At some point there were no other cars on the road. But my car was driving too far to the right, where the side of the road went off a steep cliff. I turned the control to the left (some kind of hand control instead of steering wheel), thinking I was just a little bit too far to the right. But then I noticed that the right-side tires were actually scraping just off the edge, shooting up gravel and dust as I went. I realized that I wasn’t able to correct the direction of the car; it was about to fall off the cliff, and I would then probably die in the crash. And then it happened: The car fell off. I hoped the drop would not be long, but I listened for several seconds while the car seemed to be in freefall.

Then I was standing on the bank of a river or lake, and it was underneath the cliff. Suddenly the car came falling past me, right in front of my eyes. I knew that since I was actually in the car (even though I was standing on the bank) I would be drowning any second. Then it happened: I was pulled down into the water, but I was somehow not in the car but beside it. I was already submerged. The car was sinking past me, section by section, while I tried to use it to get myself upwards in the water, crawling and running across the different parts of the car as it sank. Then I realizes I was not getting further up, and I felt tired. I somehow knew that struggling and swimming like this in the deep is not enough to move upwards faster than you’re actually sinking. (This was true in the dream, not necessarily in reality.) So I needed to start swimming up harder. I swam up as fast and forcefully as I can, although I felt my energy depleting and my terror increasing. I didn’t know how far up it was to the surface and I was running out of oxygen in my lungs. After expending all my energy and oxygen, I still had not reached the surface.

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Watch the skies

Lately I have been having several intense dreams where the world is ending, and the dream wakes me up in the middle of the night.

In one dream, sometime in late March, I was with someone when we saw something unusual in the sky. A section of it was pinkish red like at sunset, but shifting like if wispy clouds were traveling across it at great speed. At first I thought it was indeed some kind of weather phenomenon, but then I saw that it grew bigger and came closer and closer. I knew that it was something that would kill everything.

In a more recent dream, that I remember more of, I was in some big building complex with many people (as I often am in dreams), but none that I now remember from my real life. I was standing on a balcony and looking at the sun (or was it the moon?). It was pale, as if covered by a layer of mist, so it was possible to look straight at it. It was ascending towards the earth. Then I noticed the actual sun further up in the sky, realizing that this was something else. The landscape consisted of several hills behind hills, with trees on top, although everything seemed quite close. The round object kept going down and suddenly disappeared behind a hill – but I was quite sure it had not been the farthest hill, meaning it had actually hit the earth between the hills. This terrified me. I then saw several more of these planet-like, burning objects descending towards the earth – some near, some far. The building now seemed like it was a hospital, having to deal with this crisis, and apparently right after another recent crisis.

After a while I went back to the balcony, and found a man looking out while leaning against the rail. I asked him if he could tell me what was going on. He joked that I shouldn’t worry, since only the bad people had been dying. I told him to be serious. He said that this was it – almost all the world was destroyed by these orbs, and this place was one of the last standing. I went inside. I was amazed that everything looked so normal and calm. I wondered if I could survive by staying in the building, but then I realized that the heavenly body would just consume the whole building whenever it hit and there was nowhere to hide.

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Theories of a dream

I had a dream-within-a-dream-within-a-dream recently, which I remember parts of.

I was having a dream in which several people from my life appeared. My mother and maybe my cousin were among them. Then I woke up from this dream. I told one of these people about the dream, and it turns out they also remembered it. In fact, all the people I told had had the same dream! We all thought this was incredible. I thought about it and then presented my theories: There are only three possibilities, I said. One, we were somehow telepathically linked during sleep. Two, our minds were actually all transported to an alternate world. I fixed my eyes on my mother and continued: Three, this… the present moment… is actually still a dream!

Before I had said the last words of that sentence, we all woke up at the same time, proving the third theory to be correct: we had all been dreaming. The moment of awakening was signaled with a sudden shift in reality: the gloomy and gray room all of a sudden turned bright and colorful. This was the passage from dream to waking. However, the shift didn’t cause anything else to change. My mother was sitting in the same chair; and I was standing in the same spot and even finished my sentence.

After actually waking up, I of course realized that when waking up from a dream, you don’t actually find yourself in the same place and continue doing what you had been doing in the dream. Also, although the theory had been correct inasmuch as it had been a dream, in actuality it had been only my dream, not everybody’s. In fact, this theory was inherently invalid, since you can’t explain a shared dream with another shared dream.

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The chosen freaks

I was living in a world where a minority of people was different from the rest. These people had heads that were a little bit bloated and doughy, with a smaller face and no hair. And I was one of those people. Many things happened that I don’t remember. Often there were explosions in the distance, and this was something that the government or people in power were doing. Something had happened in the past related to this.

I was in the woods close to a town or road with one other person – a normal person. Suddenly there was an extremely loud and deep explosion in the distance. We looked in that direction and saw above the horizon a mushroom cloud slowly rising. And we knew that this was the end and that everyone would die. We started running in the opposite direction, into the woods. But I knew inside that it was futile and we could never outrun it, and this feeling weakened my muscles so that I almost couldn’t run. I was terrified as the cloud was nearing quickly.

Then it caught up with us and we were inside – gray dust and particles swirling all around us. I looked at my companion, and he or she had turned into a statue of ash. But I was not dead, and I realized I was not going to die. Instead I was somehow changing. And I knew that everybody who was different – who had this strange head – was going to survive and everyone else was going to die. But now I was afraid of the changes that I felt happening throughout my body and shooting through my limbs, because I didn’t know what was happening to me.

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Wondrous and spooky, socks and boots

No dream for 2016, but at least there is one before 2017 is over…

I was at my aunt and uncle’s place (where I would spend time in my childhood with my cousins and our grandparents). I needed to pee, but the bathroom was very impractical somehow. It was very small, like a nook in the wall where you had to bend down to even fit, and there was no door and so no privacy. I wondered why they didn’t have a proper bathroom, and then I remembered that they used to (remembering their actual bathroom upstairs), but that room was being remodeled or something had happened to it.

My grandfather told me of a bathroom he would use instead, and he would show me to it. I first needed to put on socks and boots. We then exited the front door and started walking. My grandfather asked me to help support him (something I would actually do in his later years). He told me that the problem was only his left arm, which would be painful if he did a certain move, as he twice demonstrated this move forcefully, making me worried. Still, walking with my grandfather gave me a good feeling of closeness.

We arrived at something that seemed like a bus stop in front of a building with glass doors. We went through the doors, entering a public bathroom. I went into the only stall, closing the door behind me, but then noticed that it was absolutely horrible, with feces everywhere, even on the walls. I needed to put on my socks and boots again, then went out. My grandfather didn’t notice me. There was another door to the side, which led to a neighboring building, and there was a sign by the door indicating restrooms. I gave my bag and something else for my grandfather to keep.

The door led through a short passageway into the other building, where a staircase immediately started upwards. Lots of people where walking up and down this staircase (although not many people had been in the bathroom). The interior of the building looked ancient and dark, with everything of wood. I had a strong sensation that I had dreamt about this place before, and that it was full of spooky wonders. But I didn’t perceive this past dream, nor the current one, as an unreal dream, but more like an experience. (After waking up, I can’t recall having dreamt about the place before.)

I was walking up this never-ending staircase with another person, but now I don’t know who. At each landing there were rooms in both directions. But I got the feeling, from a half-memory, that there would be no restrooms for a long time. Lending to the feeling of having experienced this fantastical place before, we encountered the head of a giant creature thrusting out of a room. It looked like the head of a prehistoric moray eel. It was shrouded in shadow, faded, but when I touched it, it lit up in ethereal colors.

However, before long, we did reach the bathrooms – gentlemen to the left, ladies to the right. The men’s room was fairly big. I think I was using the urinal when I noticed something moving in the darkness of the ceiling, but it was impossible to see what. I somehow found a flashlight with special properties – maybe of revealing things from the spirit world. I shined it on the ceiling, and saw that furry bats were hanging down, covering every inch. The light also made them react aggressively, although they stayed put. However, suddenly I noticed that there were also bats all over the floor, sticking up in dark, fuzzy clusters. I wanted to get out of there quickly, but there was almost no place to walk, and again I needed to put on both socks and boots first.

I somehow got out, and I was involved in an endeavor with another weird creature. It was shaped like a giant stingray, but instead of being fish-like it had giant pterodactyl-like wings. We were several people trying to make it fly. One person was propping up its right wing, while I was supposed to do the same on the left side. But the skin of the creature was prickly like the surface of a bur, and small thorns embedded themselves in my fingers. On the right wing, the other person was lifted by the wing, but I had to let go on my end because of the pain. I proceded to pull the thorns slowly out of my fingers.

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Dream F/X

At least 2015 didn’t go by without me posting a dream. One dream a year seems to be the new ratio unfortunately.

In this dream I had recorded my dream using some novel device. I was watching it on a screen. It was like a short movie or music video, that I had “made” through dreaming it instead of having to film and edit it.

My cousin G was also in this dream/film. (In real life we have done many creative projects together in the past, also short films.) In the first scene we were lying, as if dead, in a rowboat slowly drifting across the water. The view was from above and from the side. The boat was half-filled with water, and our bodies, one in the stern and one in the bow, were half-submerged.

In the second scene G was swimming, and I was holding on to his shoulders. Then he dove down with both of us below the surface.

In the third scene we were both floating under the water. Again we were like dead, moving expressionlessly in awkward formations.

Watching this I was thinking that it was really well-made and that I was so lucky to have this unusual dream-recording device, since it would be difficult to make this film for real. At the same time I was wondering if the death themes were a bit too overwrought.

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Holding on to land on the high seas

I’ve not been good at writing down or even remembering interesting dreams in a while. But here is one, from a week ago.

The earth is a huge ocean. Continents and islands are floating on the ocean. Below the ocean are fishes. On the islands are animals, feeding on the fishes. Above are birds, feeding on the animals.

The landmasses are flowing rapidly on the waves, following fierce currents. The smaller islands are faster. I’m on an island, holding on tight, but I’m wanting to get to the continent of Australia. Even the continents are not that big though.

There are more waves and they become bigger. The seas are now flowing upwards, like going up an increasingly steep hill. This is due to the curvature of the earth, as I’m about to go around and below. Some fellow traveler warns me about the danger of octopuses. I miss Australia in the chaos. The waves are getting higher and higher. I think that I could always go around the earth again, but it doesn’t seem tempting.

Another option appears. It’s a building standing right in the middle of the seething waters, kind of a tower, with many doors and windows. Someone I know is in there. But all the windows and doors have been closed because of the high waves, that are reaching almost to the top of the tower as they break against it.

How to get in?

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Do we create our own lives?

I was in my old room, sitting on the bed. My left knee had a big open hole right in the middle of it. It looked red and smooth inside the hole. Somehow it wasn’t supposed to matter, like it was temporary or make-believe, and I had a vague feeling that I was some character in a comic book. Still, although it didn’t hurt now, I wondered what would happen if I touched it. I didn’t have the nerve to feel it with my fingers, so I took a stack of papers and slapped them on my knee. It felt uncomfortable and there was some moisture from the rim of the hole that was transferred onto the papers. I wanted to go into the living room, but my mother and grandmother were there and I realized that I couldn’t go in looking like this. I thought about getting some bandages to cover up the hole.

I was now reading a comic book. A vague connection between the character in the book and the character I’d just felt like. The ending was strange; there were several page-wide panels of the protagonist driving into the desert. He was on the left side of the panels, while on the right side was an odd man standing in the desert. His appearance shifted from panel to panel; his face changed and he turned from fat to thin.

I was now driving the car, or maybe still observing somehow (but it was now real). The driver picked up a young boy, about 8 years old, with red-blond hair and a very distinct face. The boy had just been on a kind of experience where the fictional and the real mixed somehow. This was like something he had ordered. He said he had put in the last few people himself, but he wasn’t pleased with those. He wanted to think or try a bit more before making his decision. I understood it now. The boy said he was done with “bad boying” (being the only exact words I remember he used). I think this referred to an earlier part of the story.

The car was high up now, either flying or driving on some elevated road. There was a railroad track at the side of a mountain below, and the driver wanted to bring the car down there. He wanted to be clever, and used his “powers” to make the track into a dirt road, raised it up higher and landed the car there. Suddenly the train came. It managed to drive on the dirt, past the car and into the tunnel that was nearby. The man and the boy went into the tunnel too, by foot. I observed this from above, but I could also see inside the tunnel. Since the train had just passed, they/I thought it wouldn’t come again soon, but there was a bad feeling anyway. And then a train did come, from the other direction, speeding towards them. In panic they ran, crisscrossing the tracks. I thought the train seemed slow. But then it neared the boy, who could do nothing but press close to the tunnel wall. The train crashed into the wall, the boy horribly caught between. The man ran towards him. The boy’s body was mangled and bloody.

Now the police and ambulance personnel were at the scene. A man was treating the boy. The boy’s head was completely ruined and in pieces. I thought it was too much, over the top, like I would think if I were watching a movie. The boy’s face kept falling off as the man tried to treat him. I then realized it wasn’t a real head; there was no blood. Actually the boy’s body seemed to be made of building materials. The man was cranking something, as plaster and wood fell off the body in pieces, and the man seemed to be collecting it for reuse.

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A heartwarming Christmas tale

A dream from tonight. As usual only fragments remembered.

I was living in some kind of dystopia, or at least trapped in a terrible and dark building. I was sleeping on the floor, but I was accompanied by a dog-like creature (with a long snout, like a collie), and I cuddled up to it, and loved it very much. It had a name, which I believe was jackeman, or jack-e-man. I think this was the name of the type of creature rather than its personal name. I had to walk down a hallway and open a door, and on the other side there would sometimes be an evil of some sort. But in these instances the dog creature would reveal its power and magically protect me.

At some point later in the dream I was climbing around the top of a giant hall made of stone, looking for a way to escape before the inhabitant would come back. There were parts of one wall missing near the ceiling, but it was a steep drop on the outside. There was also the question of what world I would be escaping to.

Later I dreamt that I had woken up from this dream and was thinking about its meaning. The dog-like wizard creature seemed mostly like just a dog. Dogs are good companions that can be petted but can also show another side when ferociously protecting you from some attacker.

I remember the next part more vividly, it being the last part before I woke up.

As often happens the previous dream turned into a narrative I was observing instead of participating in. I was reading the book and at the same time watching the movie, comparing them side by side. They turned out to be very similar, the book being very visual. The protagonist was seemingly still living in the building but in his own room. The camera was showing me only close-ups, panning across the room. It was Christmas and there was glitter and a warm light, showing that he had found some measure of happiness. I never saw his face. The shot panning down over the floor and towards the open door, a bright symbol was being reflected on the floor. I noticed it was glimmering in the movie, something the book version had failed to reproduce. A box had been put down on the floor just inside the entrance. It was made of wood and glass. I tried to figure out what it was. The shot panning slightly up and through the entrance, I could see that a woman was standing there. She was about to enter, but didn’t yet. I only saw as far up as her hands. She was forming the fingers of both hands into a meditative gesture.

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